| We are sexual beings, throughout the lifespan. | | | | enormous |
| This includes the later years of life, which are | | | | performance expectations and demands - which |
| often overlooked in discussions of sexuality. In this | | | | can turn sex from |
| article I want to address some misconceptions | | | | playful, spontaneous, pleasurable sensual intimacy |
| about aging and sexuality; report some survey | | | | between two |
| information on sexual behavior among seniors; | | | | people who care about each other into |
| describe physical, psychological and medical | | | | something like a chore.I highly recommend Marty |
| changes that may accompany aging; and suggest | | | | Klein's book Let Me Count the Ways: |
| positive and affirming ways for seniors to | | | | Great Sex Without Intercourse as an excellent |
| continue to enjoy their sexuality to the fullest.I. | | | | guide and |
| Some Myths about Aging and SexualityMany | | | | encouragement in your creativity. (For more |
| cultural "truths" convey the message that | | | | information about |
| sexuality is for | | | | Marty Klien's book look on: |
| the young. If seniors are interested in sex there | | | | )Passionate kissing, oral sex, mutual masturbation, |
| is something wrong with that. How many of the | | | | telling erotic stories to each other, massage, |
| following myths and stereotypes have you | | | | hugging, touching, cuddling -- all of this can be |
| heard?- Older people don't have sex, don't want | | | | great sex!What is most important is pleasure - |
| sex, don't think about sex.- It's perverted for an | | | | giving and receiving |
| older person to have sexual thoughts; perhaps he | | | | physical and emotional pleasure. We are all hungry |
| is a "dirty old man".- Women don't want sex, | | | | to be |
| aren't interested in sex, and are only going along | | | | touched. We need touch. Without touch, babies |
| with what men want.- When you get "old", you | | | | do not thrive, |
| can't have sex.- Sex is for younger adults. (I saw | | | | and may even die. Grownups need to be |
| a cross-stitched sampler once which said "Kissing | | | | touched too. (If you're |
| don't last - cooking do".)- If you can't have sex | | | | reading this and do not have a partner in your |
| like a porn star, you have no business trying it at | | | | life, remember |
| all.These are all misleading and incorrect | | | | that self-pleasure can be a very important |
| stereotypes. It is | | | | aspect of self-care |
| important to recognize that sexuality is a central | | | | and nurture. It is always possible to choose |
| part of healthy living - all our lives!II. Survey | | | | pleasure for |
| Information: What's Happening Out There?Three | | | | oneself!)B. Psychological ChangesThe aging |
| recent national surveys of older Americans have | | | | process may have psychological and emotional |
| focused on | | | | effects - |
| sexuality and sexual behavior. "Healthy Sexuality | | | | particularly as we live in a culture that glorifies |
| and Vital | | | | youth and |
| Aging" (1998) was funded by Pfizer and | | | | extols youthfulness as the epitome of physical |
| sponsored by the National | | | | beauty. (I would |
| Council on the Aging (NCOA) and surveyed over | | | | remind us all that this is market-driven: |
| 1300 people. The | | | | marketers learned long |
| American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) | | | | ago that younger people are more likely to |
| sponsored national surveys in 1999 and again in | | | | spend disposable |
| 2004. "Sexuality at Midlife and Beyond" looked at | | | | income, and are more influenceable by |
| a nationally representative group of 1700 adults | | | | advertising.)- We may be embarrassed or |
| aged 45 and older.The NCOA survey found that | | | | ashamed of our sexual needs as an older |
| almost half of seniors over sixty are | | | | adult.What to do: Get over it! Join the party. You |
| sexually active; 39% want sex more often. The | | | | deserve pleasure in your life, from birth until the |
| majority of | | | | day you die.- Changes in appearance affect how |
| respondents reported having sex less often now | | | | we feel about ourselves. Bodies no longer match |
| than when they | | | | the idealized body images we see in advertising |
| were in their forties - 82% of men and 63% of | | | | and the media.What to do: Realize that media has |
| women.61% of men and 62% of women find sex | | | | created the youthful ideal of beauty. Celebrate |
| equal to or more physically | | | | and love the body you have! Every wrinkle, |
| satisfying than it was in their forties. With regard | | | | stretch mark, gray hair, rounded contour, ache |
| to | | | | and pain is a mark of your ever-increasing |
| emotional satisfaction, 76% of men and 69% of | | | | maturity and wisdom! Bette Midler once said that |
| women found sex to | | | | if you are a woman and consider yourself |
| be at least as emotionally satisfying as in their | | | | unattractive -- visit another culture for a wake-up |
| forties.72% of men and 47% of women consider | | | | call. American stereothypes of physical |
| sex important to their | | | | attractiveness are insane dreams invented by |
| relationship with their partner. Men, however, | | | | marketers who are playing on our anxieties and |
| were more than | | | | insecurities in order to sell us more products.- |
| twice as likely as women to report wanting sex | | | | Worrying about sexual performance may actually |
| more frequently. | | | | reduce the body's ability to perform sexually; men |
| This was true in all age segments - even in men | | | | may experience erectile dysfunction, women an |
| 80 and older.The AARP study found that the | | | | inability to lubricate.What to do: Relax! Relax... |
| proportion of men who've tried | | | | Enjoy your partner. Look into his or her eyes. |
| potency-enhancing medicines, hormones, or other | | | | Breathe together. Cuddle, stroke, gently massage |
| treatments has | | | | each other. Sexuality is about pleasure, |
| doubled since 1999. The majority (68%) report | | | | playfulness, and spontaneity.- Depression may |
| the treatments | | | | reduce energy, optimism and desire.What to do: |
| have increased their sexual satisfaction. Their | | | | Exercise, do pleasurable activites, get sun on your |
| wives also | | | | face every day. Talk with your doctor about an |
| reported increased pleasure for themselves.63% | | | | antidepressant medication. See a therapist. Talk |
| of men and women with partners described | | | | with your friends. Write your feelings in a journal. |
| themselves as either extremely satisfied or | | | | Any positive action taken - even drinking a glass |
| somewhat satisfied with their sex lives. 51% of | | | | of water! - is a step towards moving out of |
| men and women surveyed reported having | | | | depression.C. Changes Due to Medications and |
| sexual thoughts, fantasies, or erotic dreams at | | | | SurgeryChronic pain or surgery and illness that |
| least once a week.50% of women in the 45-49 | | | | cause fatigue can make |
| age range reported that they | | | | sexual activities more challenging or painful.What |
| masturbate; 20% of women 70 and older said | | | | to do: Talk about it. Slow down, focus on simple |
| they masturbated. A | | | | pleasureable activities. Experiment with different |
| majority of all women - even those 70-plus - told | | | | positions or activities to discover what is most |
| AARP that self- stimulation is an important part of | | | | pleasureful.Some commonly used medications can |
| sexual pleasure at any age.Both these surveys, | | | | interfere with sexual |
| based on scientifically randomized samples, | | | | function. High blood pressure medications can |
| indicate that seniors are having sex, thinking | | | | reduce desire and |
| about sex, | | | | impair erection in men and lubrication in women. |
| enjoying sex - and taking steps to increase their | | | | Some |
| enjoyment and | | | | antihistamines, antidepressants and acid-blocking |
| pleasure. Clearly sexuality is important to older | | | | drugs can have side effects that affect sexual |
| Americans, | | | | function.What to do: Talk with your doctor about |
| contrary to popular stereotypes!III. Natural | | | | how to minimize these effects. It may be possible |
| Changes Occurring With AgingMost of us reading | | | | to substitute alternative medications that work as |
| this are not twenty years old any more! Our | | | | well as the original, but without affecting sexual |
| bodies are constantly changing - though many of | | | | function.IV. Improving Sex as You AgeDavid |
| us are in denial. Orthopedic medicine is one of the | | | | Schnarch, in his book Passionate Marriage |
| fastest-growing medical specialities, treating | | | | emphasizes that |
| rotator cuff injuries, tennis elbow, injured backs, | | | | people become better lovers as they age. This |
| torn cartilage, blown ACLs - in aging baby | | | | runs counter to |
| boomers. We're not ready to give it up!Your | | | | cultural stereotypes which hold that sex is for |
| body changes as you age, and these changes can | | | | the young. Older persons have learned a few |
| affect your | | | | things over time, and no longer |
| sexual relationships.A. Physical | | | | struggle with youthful anxieties and ignorance |
| ChangesTestosterone regulates your sex drive | | | | about sexuality. |
| whether you're a man or a | | | | (For more information about David Schnarch's |
| woman. Most aging men and women produce | | | | book, look on: |
| enough testosterone to | | | | )With age and maturity, it is more possible to |
| maintain their interest in sex, though patches and | | | | slow down and |
| creams can | | | | deeply experience all the pleasure that sensual |
| provide an alternative source of the hormone to | | | | sexuality has to |
| boost desire if | | | | offer. It is possible to learn how to combine deep |
| needed.Men and women experience different | | | | relaxation |
| changes in their bodies as | | | | with high states of arousal in order to have more |
| they age.-- Women --Most physical changes are | | | | intense, |
| linked to menopause and reduced | | | | longer-lasting sexual experiences.- Expand your |
| estrogen levels. As you age, it takes longer for | | | | definition of sex. Sex is more than intercourse!- |
| your vagina to | | | | Communicate with your partner. Talk about what |
| swell and lubricate when you're sexually aroused. | | | | you need and what you like. Discuss the changes |
| Your vagina | | | | you're going through. Ask your partner about his |
| also loses some elasticity. Together these can | | | | or her needs and how to be accomodating. |
| make intercourse | | | | Communication itself can be arousing!- Make |
| less comfortable or even painful.What to do:- | | | | changes to your routine. Change the time of day |
| Longer foreplay increases natural lubrication.- Use | | | | in which you have sexual activity. Mornings or |
| water-based lubricants, such as Astroglide, Probe | | | | afternoons may be better than at night when you |
| or Silk.- Estrogen creams or hormone replacement | | | | are tired or achy. Take more time to set the |
| therapy can rejuvenate vaginal tissue.- Regular | | | | stage for romance: romantic dinners or an |
| intercourse helps maintain lubrication and elasticity.- | | | | evening of dancing or a special time or place for |
| Do Kegel exercises to keep the pelvic floor | | | | lovemaking. Try a new sexual position.- Manage |
| muscles toned.- If you haven't had intercourse for | | | | your expectations. If you didn't have sex very |
| a while, realize it takes time to stretch out - go | | | | often as a younger adult, don't expect to have |
| slowly!- Minimize any pain or discomfort. Desire | | | | lots of sex as an older adult. Partners who enjoy |
| usually returns once any discomfort is relieved.-- | | | | frequent sex when they are younger are more |
| Men --As you age, it might take longer to achieve | | | | likely to continue that as they age.- Take care of |
| an erection; it may | | | | yourself. Eat a healthy diet and exercise regularly, |
| be less firm and it may not last as long. Aging | | | | at least 30 minutes a day. Avoid alcohol as it |
| also increases | | | | decreases sexual function in both men and |
| the time between possible ejaculations.What to | | | | women. Do your Kegel exercises every day.- |
| do:- Relax, stop worrying about it! Anxiety makes | | | | Practice safe sex. If you have a new partner, get |
| it worse.- Let go of performance expectations. | | | | tested. Use condoms. People over 50 make up |
| American media is filled with messages implying | | | | about 10% of AIDS cases in the United |
| that masculinity and virility is equated with | | | | StatesMost of all, simply enjoy the pleasureful |
| youthful performance.- Kegel exercises are very | | | | sensations which your |
| helpful for men also, to tone the pelvic floor | | | | body is amply equipped to experience. Take time |
| musculature.- Take longer with sexual activities. | | | | to nurture your |
| You may also need more direct physical | | | | relationship with your partner so that you are |
| stimulation.- Try different positions, for comfort | | | | feeling |
| and extra stimulation.- Focus on pleasurable | | | | emotionally connected. Approach your sexual |
| sensations, rather than on hurrying towards | | | | relationship with |
| orgasm and ejaculation.- Viagra, Cialis or Levitra | | | | playfulness, humor, patience and love.Sexual |
| may help intensify erections.- Other medical | | | | pleasure is part of the birthright of being human - |
| devices, such as pumps, drugs and implants have | | | | and it is a lifelong resource for joy, health and |
| been developed. I would encourage a natural and | | | | personal growth.For further resources on Seniors |
| relaxed exploration of sexual possibilities before | | | | and Sexuality - books, magazine |
| submitting to an expensive and invasive medical | | | | articles, films and Internet resources - see my |
| procedure.Intercourse is Not the Only Way to | | | | Resource page at |
| Have Sex!Helen Gurley Brown, author of Sex and | | | | resources are listed in The Guide to Self-Help |
| the Single Girl, has said, | | | | Books, |
| "When people say they can't have sex because | | | | Relevant sections of the Guide |
| they have a bad | | | | include Sexuality, Men's Sexual Health, Women's |
| back, or arthritis, or all of the things that can | | | | Sexual Health, |
| affect our | | | | Intimate Relationships, Gay and Lesbian Concerns |
| bodies as we get older, I think what they're | | | | and Tantra.------------Attention Publishers & |
| really saying is | | | | Webmasters:(c) 2005. Permission is granted to |
| they're looking for an excuse not to have sex. | | | | reprint this article in its |
| When you care, | | | | entirety in your ezine or on your website as long |
| you find that there are all sorts of ways to | | | | as you leave |
| express sensuality."Sexual ignorance, cultural | | | | all links in place, do not modify the content and |
| values and media images combine to | | | | include our |
| "sell" the story that sex = intercourse - and | | | | resource paragraph above. If you do use the |
| having an orgasm is the way to tell if you're | | | | material please drop |
| accomplishing anything!This mindset gets | | | | me a note so I can take a look. Thanks!David |
| everything backwards. The purpose of having | | | | Yarian, Ph.D. is the creator of The Guide to |
| huge concentrations of nerve endings and | | | | Self-Help |
| pleasure receptors in | | | | Books, and co-author of Self-Help |
| our genitals is to experience pleasure. While | | | | Central, an ezine to help you build a better life |
| orgasms are | | | | with self-help |
| wonderful, when sex becomes goal-driven to | | | | resources. He is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist |
| "achieve" climax, it | | | | and Certified |
| short-changes both partners' pleasure and places | | | | Sex Therapist in private practice in Nashville, TN. |