| Emotionally healthy men and women almost | | | | Civil War and there were no cures. The young |
| always share their lives with lovers whose | | | | Confederate general A P Hill contacted gonorrhea |
| happiness is crucial to their own fulfillment -- even | | | | as a West Point cadet and suffered from it the |
| if they failed to understand the reciprocal nature | | | | rest of his life until he died in his late thirties. In |
| of mutual satisfaction while they were young. In | | | | addition, because they had no reliable birth control |
| our youthful years we may be so filled with such | | | | methods many wives were pregnant or nursing |
| intense sexual desires that we forget it really | | | | almost all the time. Married women were baby |
| does take two to tango successfully for any | | | | making machines and every major religious |
| length of time. If either lover feels deprived, the | | | | denomination in England and America in 1900 still |
| music soon loses its ability to charm us. As we | | | | insisted that birth control was a sin against God |
| learn to love a person deeply, we want both to | | | | and humanity. It is still in the Roman Catholic |
| be personally satisfied -- while also becoming a | | | | Church. Birth control was forbidden because |
| pleasing lover. Our sexual pleasure remains second | | | | primitive societies needed a constant flow of |
| rate unless the lover becomes a full partner in the | | | | strong, young persons to do all the scut work |
| intimacy.Of course, some neurotic persons use | | | | needed to keep life running smoothly. Such |
| sex in a power play for ego benefits that have | | | | churches still confuse social traditions with |
| little to do with love. We insist -- all | | | | spirituality as they always have. As late as 1900, |
| psychospiritually healthy women and men want to | | | | childbirth was a trip down into the valley of the |
| please the sweetheart with whom they share | | | | shadow of death for every woman. The childbirth |
| physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. Anything | | | | death of great many women was an acceptable |
| less is selfishness -- is prima facia evidence that | | | | trade-off with the need for more workers for |
| one is still an emotional adolescent, grasping what | | | | the farms and companies of the time. Childbed |
| he or she can in a short term relationship. Sexual | | | | fever due to contaminated bed clothing was so |
| selfishness and the potential for abuse that | | | | virulent that most women had their wills written |
| follows is always the result of one's serious | | | | before giving birth.Roberta's maternal grandfather, |
| emotional and spiritual failures.Despite the universal | | | | an undeniably devout Methodist preacher, had |
| need for loving relationships, one marriage out of | | | | seven children with his first wife before she died |
| two fails, with a major cause of divorce being | | | | after the final birth and then had twelve more |
| serious sexual disappointment caused by some | | | | kids with his second wife before she also died in |
| form of narcissism -- satiation or some kind of | | | | childbirth. Women had no rights -- they could not |
| neurotic power struggle within the relationship. | | | | refuse their randy husbands access to their |
| Many of the marriages which survive are such | | | | bodies even if another pregnancy would be fatal. |
| emotional and sexual disasters that the partners | | | | Their marriage dowry was given to their |
| are left with a terrible sense of disappointment | | | | husbands, they could seldom work outside the |
| about the entire affair. Actually, comparatively | | | | home and if they did, the law required them to |
| few men and women actually remain lovers for | | | | surrender their earnings to their husbands every |
| life with the joy that a sound relationship | | | | payday. Actually, they were treated as brood |
| guarantees. It is obvious that many couples have | | | | mares as Abigail Smith Adams wrote and wrote |
| not mastered the attitudes, activities and | | | | again to her husband Samuel Adams when he |
| relationships needed to make love permanent. | | | | was helping form the United States government. |
| We, Roberta and Jard, realize that we have done | | | | She urged him over and over to give women |
| pretty well -- we are still sharing our love for one | | | | some civil rights but he was unable to persuade |
| other and enjoying our erotic intimacy after half a | | | | the southern contingent of politicians to treat |
| century of love and marriage. We have thought | | | | women fairly. It took more than a hundred years |
| much about all this and have come to the | | | | for women to gain the vote and some simple |
| delightful conclusion -- We are not yet through! | | | | rights to manage their own lives. With disease and |
| Despite all odds and some glaring mistakes along | | | | death a common outcome of a sexual |
| the way, we have managed to remain lovers | | | | relationship, and with a complete loss of freedom |
| because we understand some key factors about | | | | from entering into a marriage, Roberta says she |
| relationships: To begin with:WOMEN AND MEN | | | | can certainly understand why Mother Lee founded |
| REALLY NEED EACH OTHER FOR LOVE TO | | | | her Shaker colonies. The arrangement was so |
| PROSPER.SEXUAL AROUSAL AND PLEASURE IS | | | | women could care for themselves -- by |
| A NORMAL STATE FOR LOVERS.SATISACTION | | | | themselves -- and with the celibate companionship |
| INCREASES EXPONENTIALLY AS WE MATURE | | | | of those men who were willing to treat them |
| TOGETHER. These are attainable ideals that | | | | decently. Of course, Jard also understands why |
| unfortunately, because of narcissism and nihilism, | | | | the Shakers prospered during that period and |
| can be crippled enough to destroy relationships. | | | | failed when women won some freedoms, learned |
| However, since the need for love and intimacy | | | | to plan their babies and could avoid venereal |
| does not end with conflict and unhappiness -- | | | | disease through modern medicines. The lives of |
| even after separation and divorce, most persons | | | | women became so much better during the 20th |
| with failed marriages usually seek someone new | | | | century that few needed to abandon marriage |
| with whom to share romance. We have learned | | | | and children in order to become real persons. |
| how vital it is to have a loving partner who cares | | | | Thus the Shaker colonies vanished as society |
| deeply about us; who eagerly and joyfully joins | | | | changed drastically.Men and women who have |
| their body, mind and spirit to our own. | | | | lovingly committed their lives to each other have |
| Unfortunately, some people continue looking for a | | | | every physical, psychological and spiritual reason |
| perfect partner rather than learning how to | | | | to develop deeply satisfying sexual relations as a |
| become a better lover. Nevertheless, most | | | | positive aspect of life. Each of us needs a loving |
| second marriages succeed well enough to be held | | | | soul with whom to share the many responsibilities |
| together. Couples, the second time around, usually | | | | and rewards of life, to labor with during the day |
| have more realistic expectations and attitudes -- | | | | and to fill the nights with the magic of a passion |
| can abandon the youthful selfishness that comes | | | | that doesn't fade but becomes more mature and |
| between themselves and their lovers, and accept | | | | fulfilling as we enfold one another with kisses and |
| the partial loaf of a sound relationship if not a | | | | caresses We believe that anyone who teaches |
| grand romance..Actually, many marriages fail | | | | otherwise, who wants to ration a couple's |
| because the institutions that are supposed to help | | | | sexuality to conception, whether in the church or |
| men and women live together without too much | | | | out, is emotionally crippled and wants others to |
| conflict, fail at their tasks. For example, many | | | | suffer with him rather than mature in the physical |
| people tell us that the church must accept a full | | | | aspects of love. The very concept of life-long |
| share of the responsibility for the failure of many | | | | celibacy and sexual deprivation is a wicked |
| relationships. Its emphasis on archaic rules, the | | | | sociopath requirement laid on couples by medieval |
| condemnation of spontaneous sexuality made | | | | minded clergy who are trapped by their sexist |
| possible through birth control, and reluctance to | | | | theology - which is why ninety percent of English |
| accept lovemaking as a spiritual relationship in and | | | | speaking Catholic women of child bearing age defy |
| of itself, long after science has separated sex | | | | their clergy to practice proscribed forms of birth |
| from child bearing, has been crippling to a great | | | | control. And why almost seventy percent of |
| many marriages. Too many reactionary | | | | Catholic priests from African, Asian and Latin |
| clergymen have simply not come to grips with | | | | American nations are rearing families with secret |
| the realities of life and love since neurotic | | | | wives or with women with whom they are in |
| medieval myths and superstitions about sexuality | | | | permanent sexual relationships. To end this |
| were accepted as basic religious morality.Even | | | | practice of love and affection would destroy the |
| today in most fundamental and orthodox religious | | | | Catholic leadership of most nations south of the |
| denominations, morality is connected almost | | | | equator.Fortunately, even a when person has |
| entirely to sexuality. In much of the right wing | | | | been crippled and confused by religious, political or |
| church you can engage in virtually any kind of | | | | cultural myths about the role sexual relationships |
| racism or sexism -- condemning minorities and | | | | play in life, human resilience is so great that he or |
| manipulating women -- so long as you profess to | | | | she can learn how to live a purposeful life, one |
| have been born again and do not commit adultery | | | | leading to happiness and permanence in |
| with your neighbor's child or spouse. Or at least, | | | | relationships. No one is doomed to unhappiness in |
| don't get caught committing adultery! We find | | | | a partnership unless he or she accepts someone's |
| such practices not only a simplistic view of | | | | manipulation of himself. Ridding oneself of |
| spirituality but really a mockery of faith, hope and | | | | distorted symptoms and selfish behaviors can help |
| love within the Judaeo/Christian and the Islamic | | | | pave the way toward maturity and fulfillment.We, |
| traditions.Our educational institutions have done | | | | Roberta and Jard -- have lived together for |
| just as poorly, for they occasionally teach sexual | | | | almost half a century. We reared three kids and |
| mechanics and techniques while ignoring the need | | | | even our grandkids have kids now and we still |
| for spiritual love which is vital to keeping a | | | | love each other dearly. We would like to be able |
| relationship alive and well, filled with sexual | | | | to report to you that we had a storybook |
| satisfaction and make the sweethearts mutually | | | | romance and marriage: We would like to, but alas, |
| supportive over the years. Few of the sex | | | | we cannot. To start with, Roberta certainly did |
| classes we see go beyond simply teaching how to | | | | not get a Prince Charming in Jard. He is a |
| be sexually effective, how as James said, to | | | | stubborn, willful man who has gone through life |
| insert tab A into slot B. Now, with most of the | | | | doing precisely what he wanted to do. Of course, |
| emphasis on how to have a glorious orgasm (or | | | | Roberta wasn't a Fairy Princess -- at times the |
| half a dozen of them), it's as though love, | | | | sparks flew. They still do! But, we started life |
| acceptance and mutual support have become | | | | even, both having naive attitudes about living |
| sexual taboos. Not enough attention is paid to | | | | together. She assumed Jard would be like her |
| those things that make intimacy satisfying | | | | father, and he thought Roberta would be like his |
| throughout life, to keep one's relationship | | | | mother. Don't all young couples make that |
| permanent. The vast majority of sexual self-help | | | | mistake? We soon learned how wrong that was |
| books have failed to make this vital point clear | | | | but above all we shared a strong religious faith |
| since they are often based on several distorted | | | | that helped us!At one time we were even like |
| assumptions about life and love. Usually missing | | | | two veteran riflemen in combat. One soldier was |
| from such books is the understanding that | | | | from the Louisiana marsh country while the other |
| humans are always subjective beings with deep | | | | was from the mountains of Colorado. They had |
| spiritual needs that must be satisfied or else life | | | | little in common but survival, they didn't |
| turns sour. Life must become meaningful rather | | | | understand each other, and they would not have |
| than just successful if we hope to live with | | | | even known each other but for the fact that |
| satisfaction. Our needs and motivates go beyond | | | | they were in the Army at the same time. |
| the physical and psychological levels of personality | | | | However, they have saved each other's life so |
| to the philosophical. As a result, many books that | | | | often that each has forgotten how to survive |
| don't consider the psychospiritual aspects of life | | | | without the partner. One kicks in the door and the |
| fail to help the users all that much.Our book, | | | | other throws in the grenade. Without a great deal |
| LOVERS FOR LIFE is based on the principle of | | | | of deliberation! We have even moved past that |
| honest partnership and mutual acceptance. We | | | | and now are fairly tolerant and understanding. The |
| simply cannot find lasting satisfaction except by | | | | repeated grinding of two dominant personalities, |
| being truthful. It is also based on the belief that | | | | although it created friction and sparks on many |
| we all need to live with spiritual values, positive | | | | occasions, has abraded a pretty good fit to our |
| attitudes, high expectations, mature beliefs and | | | | marriage. Sexual pleasure and psychospiritual |
| responsible choices. Of course, few couples begin | | | | intimacy are still vital parts of our ivies, and we |
| this way -- we must learn how to survive | | | | recommend them highly to everyone (although |
| together while we mature as real persons. The | | | | we realize that sexual satisfaction can exist only |
| myth that men and women are so different that | | | | as a part of our total relationship). We are |
| misunderstanding and conflict are inevitable is just | | | | fortunate that we have kept our sexual |
| that -- a myth. Conflicts arise when we relate as | | | | relationship alive and satisfying -- despite the myth |
| lovers from the immature or neurotic needs of | | | | that sex is for the young. I suppose many in the |
| adolescence, when we fail to understand | | | | reactionary church who would limit sex to |
| personality patterns, when we are pushed from | | | | conception and childbirth consider us a dirty old |
| our comfort zones, and when we behave in | | | | couple -- but you can imagine how little time we |
| selfish ways that cause resentment. Then lovers | | | | spend worrying about their neuroticism! Love is a |
| become adversaries who are struggling to win | | | | constant source of rejuvenation for our life |
| power, prestige pleasure and possessions without | | | | together. In LOVERS FOR LIFE we have included |
| regard for the other person's needs. Dissatisfying | | | | projects and processes for your use. They have |
| lovemaking virtually always occurs because one or | | | | proved very valuable for us and for couples in our |
| both of the lovers behave narcissistically.Because | | | | seminars. In the beginning, using them may make |
| sexuality and love-making is so compelling in and | | | | you feel as awkward as giving a speech or singing |
| of itself -- so important to normal, well adjusted | | | | a solo for the first time. They will become familiar |
| women and men, we sometimes fail to realize | | | | with use, however, and will help you develop a |
| that consistent sexual satisfaction is always the | | | | mutually supportive partnership that remains |
| result of having a mutually supportive relationship | | | | pleasurable and permanent. Use them well to |
| rather than the cause of a good marriage. | | | | strengthen you mutual concern and |
| Because of the prominence of the pleasure | | | | self-transcendence; for they are tools with which |
| principle, many people still put that cart before the | | | | to build greater understanding. Even if boredom |
| horse. Many and many a person in counseling tells | | | | and desperation have set in, these methods have |
| us that they cannot understand why they are | | | | the power to revitalize a relationship and make it |
| having so many problems when the sex is still | | | | worth keeping -- even when you are not making |
| good. Of course it is -- it is the only thing still | | | | love at the time. May God bless your attempts to |
| holding them together -- with so many other | | | | grow toward happiness and fulfillment, for all of |
| problems both are determined to make | | | | your life!SAMPLE SELF-FOCUSWHY DO YOU |
| something work well. We find that fearful women | | | | SUPPOSE OUR VICTORIAN ANCESTORS WERE |
| who remain with brutal, battering men often | | | | SO DETERMINED TO KEEP WOMEN |
| engage in wild lovemaking with their cruel abusers, | | | | SUBSERVIENT TO MEN -- EVEN TO THOSE |
| doing everything the men want, trying to make | | | | WHO WERE ABUSIVE AND SOMETIMES |
| something, anything, satisfying in the relationship. | | | | MURDEROUS? |
| But it isn't a mutual connection -- such a man is | | | | |
| very much the tyrant she is frantically trying to | | | | WHY DO YOU THINK MANY MEN STILL |
| please in the only way she can share intimacy | | | | ASSUME THAT THEY OWN THE WOMEN IN |
| with him. This seldom lasts long when everything | | | | THEIR LIVES -- THAT IF THEY CANNOT |
| else good has collapsed. And unless a woman | | | | CONTROL A WOMAN, THEN NO OTHER MAN |
| feels trapped, unable to take care of herself, with | | | | SHOULD LOVE HER?SAMPLE PROJECT - BASIC |
| no one to turn to for deliverance, many women | | | | ASSUMPTIONSDiscuss with a friend or write a |
| soon decide that sexual satisfaction purchased at | | | | short paragraph or two or three sentences on |
| such a price is too expensive in the scheme of | | | | what the following could mean to you. |
| life. They move on. Others make the same | | | | MEN AND WOMEN REALLY DO NEED EACH |
| mistake our sexually frustrated and often neurotic | | | | OTHER FOR LOVE TO PROSPER.SEXUAL |
| Victorian ancestors did as they tried hard to turn | | | | PLEASURE AND SATISFACTION IS A SOUND |
| love into a sexless, platonic relationship. No one | | | | ASPECT OF LOVE.ONLY BY MATURING |
| personifies this more clearly than Mother Lee and | | | | TOGETHER CAN LOVE BECOME DEEPLY |
| the Shaker sect of Christians who came out of | | | | FULFILLING.We wish you the very best as you |
| England during the Victorian era. We understand | | | | make your life meaningful and fill it with love.Jard |
| why this happened and why groups like the | | | | & Roberta DeVille; published psychology books, |
| Shakers became celibate; the men and women | | | | seminars & psychological assessment instruments. |
| living within the same colonies but in separate | | | | NICE GUYS FINISH FIRST was a best seller. He & |
| dorms and never sharing sexual love. Sexual | | | | Roberta wrote 'LOVERS FOR LIFE' and other |
| diseases were rampant in Victorian England and | | | | courses/books together. She's been a wonderful |
| America at the time. About one person in five | | | | teacher in Minneapolis for many years. |
| had a serious venereal disease at the time of our | | | | |